Day: July 7, 2020

My intuition must have told me

I must have felt it in my bones

That you would give up so easily

Somehow, I must have known.

Though it doesn’t stop the heartache

Or disillusionment that I feel

I replay those last 10 minutes

Just to see if it is real.

I keep my phone on silent now

Because I just don’t give a damn

I know it’s only work

When it rings at 3 a.m.

I tell myself it doesn’t matter

You’re the one that walked away

I want to write you a letter

But I’ve no idea what I would say.

So I’ll do what’s customary

What’s typical you see

I’ll pour it onto parchment

Till I get you out of me.

I don’t want to hold this pen anymore

Yet I can’t seem to lay it down

Until I excavate the destruction

From my heart to which it’s bound.

I ask myself in hindsight

Knowing what I now know

If I had to do it differently

Would I still respond to your hello.

Since my pen is truthful

It can not seem to lie

I never would have answered you

Had I known you’d say goodbye.

I didn’t need to wake up

I didn’t need to believe

That God had really made someone

Especially for me.

I wish you’d left me sleeping

Said “hello” and moved along

For a moment I held everything

Now everything is gone.

My armor is so heavy

Yet I can not set it down

I have built my walls too high, you see

Others can not get around.

I know the pain, all too well

Of letting people in

Being this damned guarded

Is my gravest sin.

Loyalty and love

are simply not enough

When you’re required to offer everything

And you must give it upfront.

You can be all in

But that’s not enough

To extinguish the fears

You’ve been taught about love.

You’re lessons are there

Engraved on your soul

Though nobody sticks around

Long enough to know

All of the chapters

That make you…you

The underlined passages

And the blank spaces too.

They want to skip ahead

Read the ending of the book

While you’re still trying to explain

Everything it took

To muster up the courage

To try once again

To find happiness

And faith that never ends.

Only to leave you,

alone in the void

When echoes are whispering

And you become paranoid.

So it doesn’t really matter

For a guarded girl like me

To bare the weight of my own armor

Because I know it’s heavy.

So I’ll just stay here in my corner

I’m quite familiar with this place

I alone, am my own army

I alone, will keep me safe.

Never again will I join

Another on the field

Just to have them call a truce

Because it’s hard for me to yield.