Category: Uncategorized

 

 

Daddy did you know

That I’ve been losing my religion?

I’ve been screaming out to GOD

But he doesn’t seem to listen.

I’ve been shaking my fist

And pounding the floor 

Not understanding what

He’s forsaken me for.

What grave sin have I committed 

In this life that I live

That his grace and mercy are denied me

And he cannot forgive?

I’ve been saying that “I’m tired”

For so long, it’s unheard 

A whispered cry for HELP

Was just another word.

Spoken in desperation 

Still, they did not see

I was no longer capable 

Of saving I or me.

The struggle was too great

Went on for far too long

I was just a shadow in their life

In a world where I never belonged.

Trials and tribulations 

Beat the hope out of me

Till I forgot how to pray

Till I no longer believe 

That God is just

Or God is love

Or that he’s watching 

From up above

Perhaps my words

Are blasphemy 

Look in His book of names

My name you will not see.

He crossed mine out

Why, I don’t know

But I’ve gone as far

As I can possibly go.

At my memorial 

Don’t you dare cry

When I begged for help 

All turned a blind eye.

While on your knees

In whispered prayer

Try asking God

Why He didn’t care?

Shake your fists

At him in rage

Had he shown but some grace

I could’ve been saved.

Are you self aware? 

If not, you should be. For we are incapable of fully connecting with others, if we lack the ability to see ourselves.

Self reflection is vital. It allows you to process, to grow, to overcome, to accept, to change.

We must be willing to see ourselves fully. 

Our Flaws, our irritating habits, our ugly truths, our personal demons. Acknowledging their presence enables you to also see your own light and beauty.

Being self aware, provides you with an expanse of necessary tools like understanding, compassion, empathy, patience and wisdom.

1. Self awareness is the most essential factor for all of us to become better humans. To ourselves and others.

Sometimes, 2 am is silent, and I can not find my voice. We creep along the shadows barely daring a glance. For in those quiet recesses, lie the demons we were given.
3 am whispers…hush, do not disturb their fitful slumber. Stand still for a moment, let them ease back down. Even they, at times, are exhausted from torment.
4 am watches closely. Challenging your next step with a smirk. Knowing it can pull you in but letting you make the first move.
5 am is full of laughter. Taunts, there she goes again. Pretending she’s a warrior in a battle she won’t win.
6 am smiles gently. Offering up solace from her mind. A gentle kiss to her forehead, she made it through this time.
7 am pulls her from the fading dark. Inviting her to rest in its fenced in park.
RaenellDawn 12/24/2016

I talk to her everyday. I pour out everything that’s been going through my head between the hours of waking and sleeping.
My words don’t require explanations, there are no rebuttals. She’s never said “that doesn’t make sense”, or “you shouldn’t feel like that”. I rely on her for validation.
She understands the darkness, the fear, the confusion, the humor, the love that I feel so deeply. I’m always safe with her. She has watched me give so much of myself away and then chastised me for doing so. She scolded me for dumb ideas, said “I told you so” a hundred times. She laughs at my fashion faux paux, reminds me to check the speedometer. She pushes me forward when I need it, holds me in place when I want to go. Lends a hand when I fall down, and holds both hands over my mouth when I want to speak without processing.
We don’t always see eye to eye. Sometimes we argue for days. But she’s there when I lay my head down and holding my coffee when I wake up.
Most will never know her, and that’s ok, she’s always right beside me leading the way.
The one that swore
“I’ll always have your back”
Always behind me
Is where my shadow is at.
RaenellDawn 11/27/2016

 

November 15, 2015

I remember like it was yesterday…I was 13 years old. I got in an argument with my mama and stormed out of the house. All the way to our little city park, I ranted and raved inside my head. Continuing with the montage of words that had gone unsaid.
I have no recollection what precisely the argument was about, but I remember screaming “I hate you, I want my daddy”. I recall exactly where I was standing when I had the thought that all kids do at some point in their life…”I already know everything there is to know”.
I was 27 years old and a mother myself the first time I regretted that day.

All of the emotions that make up LIFE…Love, Laughter, Pain, Fear, Sorrow, Regret, Grief…each one teaches us a lesson. Sometimes, they are tests that we must repeat until we get it right.
I think it was this day that I learned to hold my words, because you can’t take them back. Saying “I’m sorry” is only a bandaid, the scar will always be there with the wounds resonating in your mind.
My mama taught this foolishly naive girl so very much that day, and the handprint I carried on my face for a month, drove those lessons home.
To this day, there are still times when I have continuing arguments within myself, and out of nowhere I will feel the sting of mamas hand across my face. Only then do I find clarity.

My mom only had an eighth grade education. She got married and had five babies at her feet by the time she was 23. She could ace Jeopardy and knew so much about the world and life that I am still in awe of her. She was the smartest woman I’ve ever known.

From my little brother….

Dear Abby: I think we should meet the Woman you described in your short story reminded me of my mother. That sting across your face would land a loving parent in jail in todays world.
Where have all the good mothers gone. I know God BLESS TEXAS!

I was 17 and sitting at my Daddy’s feet. Pouring out a heart that was filled with teenage emotions.
He patted my head while holding my hand and said “I knew the day you were born, though it was raining, you were the storm. I watched as you grew, and life happened to you that storm of water would eventually becomes freezing rain.”
I asked him what he meant, and he replied with this.
“On the playground you always sought the kids playing alone. You befriended them. Made them laugh.
Kept them entertained. Then their friends would show up, off they would go, leaving you behind. You never approached them again. Eventually, you no longer wanted to go to the park. You were nine years old when you threw out your dollies and I couldn’t get your nose out of books.”