Month: June 2020

I don’t need you to define me

I am not who you might think

If you should ever walk away 

In your absence, I won’t shrink.

I will not let you save me

Or accept a quick reprieve 

So you can throw it in my face

If I ever choose to leave.

I will not lean upon you

When I’m weak, worried or sore

I will stand on my own two feet

After all, that’s what they’re for.

I will not accept your shelter

To hold over my head

I have found that it is priceless 

Making my own bed.

I will not sit at your table

Or partake of what you serve

Just to tell me later

You offered more than I deserved.

I will not alter my comfort zone

Just to make you feel at ease

I offer you true company 

Though I won’t forsake my peace.

I will not forget the lessons 

When I broke and could not bend

I have learned to say NO

Without an “I’m sorry” on the end.

I spent a lifetime apologizing for being me.

Multidimensional isn’t all that fascinating for shallow people.

I bent over backwards to be a people pleaser. To always see the good and forgive.

The accidental counselor, the unlicensed therapist, the glue that holds it all together…I’ve been called those as much as I’ve been called the loner, the weird one, the odd one out.

Life knocked me down. Sometimes I stumbled on my own. I always got myself back up, so I could hold the light for others.

A few wrong turns…then a head on collision, broke me of all, that I used to be.

When you look at me, and you see the darkness that now envelopes me, I refuse to make excuses or apologize for it. I have seen others darkness too often. Lived with them in their private hell. My only sanctuary being…to retreat inside myself. 

You see, even in the cacophony of madness, I still sought to protect others from what I knew lived inside of me. My demons are my soldiers, and they can annihilate with the truth. Obliterating ones reputation built on ego, and leaving their bloody character exposed on the field.

I learned at a young age, not all demons are monsters. Some are actually angels, meant for war. I sat alone with mine long enough to fully understand that only they could protect me, and I in turn, I protect them. They are a part of me.

I no longer leave my comfort zone just to create one for others. Nor do I want that in return. 

If I tell you private things about my life, I don’t want pity or sympathy from you. I’m seeking a connection only. Be aware though, as much as I’ve disclosed to you…there’s so much more that you don’t know. 

I exhausted myself for a lifetime. Always trying to be whomever others needed me to be. So much so, what I needed and wanted went to the wayside.

Understand this, when they say “a person can change a lot in one year”, truth is, a person can change a lot in a month, in a week, and sometimes overnight. A strong mind will eventually kick into survival mode. It will automatically shut out anything toxic or threatening to the peace that has become its stronghold. 

My advice to anyone suffering through the darkness right now, open your eyes. See it for what it is, and what it’s trying to teach you. 

If you continuously suffer from the same disappointments, it’s only because you haven’t learned your lesson yet. Own your part in it. 

If you are holding onto grief? You must reach the stage of acceptance in order to move past the stage of anger.

The trauma of a narcissistic relationship?

GET OUT! You can’t solely blame them if you are choosing to stay.

Find comfort in knowing that, when you embrace the darkness, only then will you find the light. 

In order to write about it, you have to feel it.

Down to the marrow of your bones.

You have to touch it & taste it

While wandering through the unknown.

You must look at it

With open eyes

Through the subterfuge 

And beneath the disguise.

You let it completely cover you

The cloak of dark and light

Suspended in the daytime 

Running wildly at night.

The barrage of mixed emotions 

Confusion of fight or flight

As the pen assaults the paper

And feverishly you write.

The words come pouring out of you

Like lava when it flows

Bursting forth onto the pages

Charring the surface, don’t you know.

The ink spills out

Like blood on a field

There are no white flags 

Your sword won’t yield.

Paragraphs fill pages

They are the canons of war

Laying on this parchment 

Not inside you anymore.

Some of us writers

Don’t unravel a plot

It’s not until the pen is dry

That we know what we’ve got.

Pause a moment 

Look around, you’ll see

Writers always carry paper

And pens for company.

Do you remember who you were

Who you were before you broke

Before the bile of life, rose up in your throat

And you began to choke?

Before the mirrors became clouded

Your reflection just a blur

Mascara tears all over your face 

Do you remember who you were?

Before your eyes stared in disbelief 

And your heart stopped beating too

Before it was too painful 

Simply being you?

Do you remember how you smiled

Or hear your laughter on the breeze

Your balanced walk on railroad tracks

Before falling to your knees?

Do you remember that hope

You spread far and wide

Your passion for living 

Do you recall how it died?

Have you banished the ghosts 

From every room,

Or does opening a door

Still fill you with doom?

Have your demons found refuge 

Or do they still scream inside 

Like the skeletons you can’t bury

Do they eat you alive?

Does memory Lane 

Feel like Martinsville speedway 

Are you still holding onto

What you never had the chance to say?

When you sit at your table

Is anyone there?

Or have you found solace with

All the empty chairs?

Are you living life

Or surviving one more day

Hell bent on keeping 

Everyone at bay?

Do you hold tight to the comfort 

And are you truly at peace

In your life of solitude 

Are you finally at ease?

Do you still hold your breath

Are you still biting your tongue 

Or have you finally accepted

You are whole as ONE?

03/30/2019

Sometimes I wonder if I’m meant to be in a relationship.

Oh, I love the idea of love! Of two minds on the same page. Two hearts, that beat faster, when in each other’s presence.

The feeling of contentment when laying in each other’s arms…with bodies perfectly aligned that it’s impossible to decipher where one ends, and the other begins.

The late night conversations, sharing histories, fears, dreams and passions.

The concept of making eye contact over the rim of a raised coffee cup, and feeling completely at peace with life.

But I, I am at peace with myself. I am content being alone. I find safety in knowing my boundaries are unshakable. I find that stress leaves my body more quickly when crawling into bed alone and not fighting over the placement of pillows and the tug of war of blankets.

I am totally unguarded when surrounded by my own things, in my own space, doing whatever I want.

And morning coffee, I have found its best when sipped alone. The world is quiet. I can delve into my own thoughts, completely uninterrupted…and fantasize of love…and how it’s not meant for me.

Are you self aware? 

If not, you should be. For we are incapable of fully connecting with others, if we lack the ability to see ourselves.

Self reflection is vital. It allows you to process, to grow, to overcome, to accept, to change.

We must be willing to see ourselves fully. 

Our Flaws, our irritating habits, our ugly truths, our personal demons. Acknowledging their presence enables you to also see your own light and beauty.

Being self aware, provides you with an expanse of necessary tools like understanding, compassion, empathy, patience and wisdom.

Self awareness is the most essential factor for all of us to become better humans. To ourselves and others.

The most loving embrace that I’ve ever known, is that of silence and solitude.

The way they, when coupled together, welcome me home.

The peaceful embrace that engulfs me, the moment the door closes behind me, saying 

“ you are home…let your guard down, be at ease, you’re off duty…exhale.”

The comfort that is felt, in my own space, surrounded by my own things, everything exactly where I want it or put it. A familiarity that is, for me, empowering.

You see, I love doing my own thing. Exactly when and how I want to. No explanations. No compromises. No settling.

My most treasured possession…my time. I know the value of it. I understand that, for me, time alone is not only essential, but critical to my survival.

I am never whole or completely at ease with another’s presence. The space they are taking up feels like hands shoving me in directions I don’t want to go.

I feel censored, exhausted and trapped when confined to another’s company.

So please, don’t take it personal when I push away from you, it’s only personal for me.

I’m different.

I’ve always known that I’m not like everyone else. 

As a preteen, I hung in the peripheral of the adults. When all of the kids in town were out playing on Saturday’s, you could find me at the table of Grandma Daisy. Or Ms. Gath and Ms. Kronsage’s kitchen floor. I would listen closely to the stories of their lives. Enthralled and excited just to be privileged enough that they talked to a seven year old me, with tar stained bare feet. But I never talked about grandpa sneaking into my room.

In high school, I tried desperately to fit in. I didn’t. So I tried to blend in. That didn’t work for me either. I got lost in the crowd of this clique and that one, which was on the opposite end of the spectrum. So I chose the comfort of simply standing to the side and watching. Trying to learn how I was supposed to be, till thankfully it was over, and I could exhale for awhile.

But I never talked about what my brother did.

I spent a few years traveling. Learning that not all areas of the country were like that little town I grew up in. It was fascinating! I found my love of the ocean, sitting in the hot sands of Virginia Beach. I discovered a peace, a calmness where my soul could rest easy. I walked everywhere or rode the trolley to feel my hair whipping in the wind while enjoying an ice cream cone.

Completely engrossed in the people. Though I talked to very few…I was always watching. Committing their behaviors to memory. 

But I never talked about what happened in the alley that night! I never talked about what happened to Raph!

In my mid twenties, I returned to the area of my small home town. Tragic events sent me fleeing to what I deemed my safe zone. My family said I was different. “What happened to me?” They wanted to know…”where is the girl that left?” I guess the transformation I went through of feeling freedom was too much for them. My clothing was different. My vocabulary greater. My accent had become Bostonian. Dirty feet, were now a little pampered and always polished. 

I found a job and got to work on being who they said I was supposed to be. For a long time, I believed them. I adapted to faking a smile. To showing interest in the mundane things everyone else saw as important. They thought me eccentric because I wanted to know our purpose here. I’ve never been one capable of thriving on the buzz feed of mediocrity.

My thirties brought me a family of my own. I gave birth to three boys. Their lives became the reason for my existence. My days were filled with caring for and nurturing these beautiful, rambunctious little souls that God put in my care. Their individuality was, and is still, a source of awe and inspiration for me. I became the proverbial soccer mom. On the board of several PTO’s. Our home, was the home all the other kids wanted to be at. I aimed desperately to be the perfect mom. Home cooked meals and Christmas decorations that would have made Martha Stewart  proud.

Then it happened…2007! 

For a writer, putting pen to paper is vital!

It’s a necessary purging process that is essential to our overall wellbeing.

The only authentic way, for us, to sort out all of the chaos that goes on inside our mind.

We speak the truth with sincerity. 

Give our voice to everything we don’t say out loud.

You see, a writers world, is internal. 

We are the observers. The ones that pay attention but do not react or join in.

We’ll spend days on end withdrawn and detached. Analyzing every angle, every aspect, every emotion, every solution. This is called processing. Let me warn you, it’s exhausting.

Then comes the purge at 2am. Pen and paper the only ones to bare witness. The ink flows,  like blood from your veins, as the words slam down onto innocent paper enduring the emotional crucifixion. 

Only then, when it’s all written out, do you find your salvation and know what you wanted to say.

We’re all a little broken. A little damaged. We have jagged edges from carving our way through a not so peaceful life.
We’ve mended ourselves in the only way we knew how to.
Damn straight! We didn’t go back to what we were before.
Lessons teach you that.
You lose tiny shards of who yourself.
This prevents the other pieces from fitting like they used to.
It takes strength, bravery, and resiliency to always see your worth.
Regardless of the visible imperfections that are now on your surface.
So what…you’re not smooth anymore!
You are still useful to someone, and yourself.
Be proud of the scars!
They are proof of the battles that you’ve endured and conquered.
They become your armour so that you can continue to survive.
Wear them proudly.