It’s fucked up to know, that everything you know about love, was taught by those that never really loved you.
Month: July 2020
Mary Lou
I banished every picture
That Daddy had of you
A razor knife silhouette
Remains on just a few.
For your image these days only
Incites anger and bitter hate
We can not stand the sight of you
And for Karma, we all wait.
I built a fire in the yard
To cast you down into
You’re the epitome of evil
God has seen what you do.
I criticize myself
For being blind for so long
We pray you have a painful death
We will all be happy when you’re gone.
I wish that I could witness
The shock upon your face
When Peter quite explicitly
Points out your fall from Grace.
I hope the sins of this mother
Fall on your children too
For they are just as guilty
And just as greedy as you.
I pray your cold heart
Disintegrates like sand
When the Lord removes you from the book
With his very own hand.
And as you go falling
Into the fiery pits of hell
We’ll all be singing hallelujah
And rejoicing as well
Father’s Day
Daddy was my confidant
The first to hold my hand
The strong shoulder I leaned upon
My daily a.m.
We planted things together
Stood back to watch them grow
He said I was his sunshine
He’ll always be my HERO,
He gave me a moral compass
Told me to be a guiding light
He taught the definition of integrity
And standing up for what is right.
He gave me my first engraved pen
Leather bound notebooks too
He said it’s just like praying
When you write it out of you.
He held me on his shoulders
So I could see the world
I traveled miles on his boot clad leg
So happy to be his little girl.
When the Parkinson’s came
It was my turn to hold
Those shaking hands
That somehow got old.
It was now my turn
To guide the way
To show him I loved him
Each and every day.
We went on adventures
To his childhood home
We’d sit and I’d listen
About the life he’d known.
Lord thank you for the laughter
That we shared everyday
He called me by name
Till he went away.
I’d sat with him
The day before
Holding tight to his hands
I sat on the floor.
We both dozed off
And I awoke to find
His tear filled eyes
Staring into mine.
He whispered
“Don’t worry, we’ll be alright”
I responded with
“Daddy, I’ll catch you, on the flip side.”
The very next day
With all gathered round
When his pulse had ceased
And no heartbeat was found.
I held tight to his fists
And kissed his cheek
Then repeated the words
He’d said to me.
“Don’t worry Daddy we’ll be alright”
And at that moment
GOD vanquished his light.
I rejoiced with my Dad
When he was pulled from that room
Whispering “I’ll catch you on the flip side,
I’ll be seeing you soon.”
So my first year without him
This Father’s Day
I recall only the love
And how we’d say
“You are my HERO”
To this little girl
“You are my Sunshine”
You are my world ♥️♥️♥️
Happiness
“What are you most afraid of?”
I’ve been asked so many times
Showing vulnerability
Was always foremost in my mind.
I learned to view it as a weakness
For it could be ransomed over me
I grew to hide it very well
And not let anybody see.
Lest they use this fear against me
Take all my secrets and depart
Carrying it like loose change , you see
And not safely in their heart.
Then one day it occurred to me
During a moment of pure bliss
It was never vulnerability I feared
But what came with it, happiness.
For when I’m truly happy
When my soul begins to shine
That’s when life will steal from me
What I was never meant to find.
They say happiness is fleeting
And I declare this is so
It’s a momentary embrace
I’ll never really get to know.
The way it wraps around you
Like a sheltered cocoon
And just when I believe in it
It’s taken away to soon.
That feeling of joy
That puts a bounce in my step
Always makes me stumble
When the reality sets
In to remind me
Happiness is brief
Just give it a second
And it will leave.
So now when they ask me
“What is it I fear”
I whisper “being happy”
So quietly, they can not hear.
Numb
I’m not sad anymore. I’m numb. And somehow, I know that being numb, is much worse.
Safeguard
Hold tightly to yourself
Don’t give you away
Safeguard your emotions
And everything you want to say.
As you are walking down your path
Spread your arms out wide
Ensure you stay your course
Don’t let anyone inside
Keep your secrets locked up
There’s no need to expose
Anything that makes you vulnerable
Nobody needs to know
Think twice before speaking
You know you can not trust
Anyone with your truths
Choke on them if you must
Don’t reach for a hand
That you thought would be there
As you are falling
You’ll be grasping thin air.
Don’t forget to wear your smile
Fake though it might be
That is your brave face
What everyone expects to see.
Ask “how are you doing?”
And when they respond in kind
Always laugh a little
When you say “I’m just fine.”
That is how you do it
Safeguarding yourself you see
More important than “I love you’s”
Is “I trusted you with me!”
Just a Weekend
Maybe for a weekend
I should just let go
Give myself a moment
To spiral out of control.
All those things we talked about
I still want to do
Only difference going forward
It just won’t be with you.
I can hop onto a train
Go somewhere I’m not known
I could walk into most any bar
And take a stranger home.
I could play it all
The fantasies I have
For just a weekend
Cater to my side of bad.
The good girl gone wild
When the daylight fades
Somewhere far away
Where they don’t know my name.
But unfortunately that
Will never come to be
Unless there’s a connection
It’s hands off you see
Without a Past
I wish I’d never told you
That I hadn’t let you see
All the different layers
That made me…me.
You’ve got no right in knowing
Who I am at 2am
I want my secrets back now
I pray and say Amen.
I feel parts of me are lost
Puzzle pieces that can’t be found
You were putting me together
Then you turned me upside down.
Every time you said you loved me
I believed it more and more
I put all my faith in you
And you walked right out the door.
True love doesn’t do that
It watches your back
Stays the course through it all
Preventing attacks
Shame on you For opening me
Then not sticking around
Leaving me in this dismal place
I hope I’m never found.
You’re the worst of the worst
For doing this to me
Never again will I show
My vulnerability.
You were the one
That was going to prove me wrong
On lessons I had learned of love
Seems I was right all along.
You took the cowards way out
Made me adore you and then
When I trusted you with me
You dropped me in the end.
So everything you held against me
Look closely at them now
You did the exact same thing
Maybe now you’ll figure out
My hesitations were on love
They never were on you
You proved me right on everything
That I already knew.
True love is just a myth
Commitment only lasts
If you fit into their box
And come without a past.
I Love You
People throw around “I love you’s”
Like they’re picked fresh from a tree
And yet they stop to wonder why
It’s seldom said by me.
They trade it like its a commodity
Use it up, then go get more
Doesn’t matter if it’s fresh or not
Or slightly bruised before.
I used to wait at that same tree
Only to give away what I had gathered
And others took it happily
My efforts never mattered
When the tree was finally barren
All of its fruits picked clean
I picked up what had fallen
And it was toxic to me.
The rancid taste of love
Was the bitterest of pie
So the words “I love you”
Seem to be the biggest lie.
For the pits will leave you choking
Swallowing your own blood
The hardest part in letting go, the primary reason that you just can’t get past it, is the lack of understanding what happened.
The inability to make it make sense.
You’ve reviewed it a hundred times.
And it plays on repeat over and over again.
Still, it doesn’t make sense.
You can’t add it up.
You think if you delete the pictures, the texts, that voicemail, it’ll make it easier to complete the process. But you can’t.
After all, that’s all you have left.
It’s almost impossible to fathom how, for one that never plans beyond next week, you let someone become your world. Then watched helplessly as that world collapsed.
Now, you only focus on tomorrow.
And damn, that pain, that’s the kind of pain that’s going to leave you angry for a very long time. Anger is so much easier to hold onto than sorrow.
Now you sit there in the quiet, refusing to allow the images you treasured, take up space in your head as you drift off to sleep.
Once again cocooned in your pillows.
In the morning you remember, the lessons learned from letting people in and how this one got in deeper and only drove those lessons home.
You keep telling yourself that you knew better. Haven’t the last three years given you enough realizations to know that absolute faith is non existent?