I love to sit in spaces
When it’s dark, and I’m alone
To think about my life
Where it is, That I come from.
I’m divided into segments
Where I lived year to year
Scattered across the country
And in those that I hold dear.
The outskirts of LA,
A small river town
The shore of the Atlantic
Is where I can be found.
There are scraps of me on people
That took pieces of me each time
Sought solace in their presence
And sanctuary I would find.
The stranger at the restaurant
That took my hand and asked
“Honeychild, why you running
What you leave, you can’t get back”
The bum behind the bushes
His blanket that I took
I returned it later
And he gave me this look
So much we exchanged
Of ourselves to each other
As he held my hand I knew
He would be with me forever.
All the kids playing hopscotch
At the city park
Their laughter on the wind
I loved them till dark
When they raced home
With the setting sun
My smile was given
To each little one.
The friendships that came
For just a short time
I hold pieces of them
That will always be mine.
The lovers I knew
And faces I learned
Their lessons and touch
Will forever burn
A cauterization,
Never meant to heal
Leaving Open wounds
I’ll always feel.
As the sun
begins to rise
My life playing out
In my minds eye
I marvel now
How I am whole
When I leave pieces of me
Wherever I go.
RaenellDawn 02/11/2018
Day: February 11, 2018
Rear view
My waiting seemed like an eternity
While you just took your time
No matter how many times I paused
You fell further behind.
It must have been more interesting
More important to say at least
The things that capture your attention
And made you slow your feet.
How many times did I come back
And try to take your hand
To move you past the obstacles
And get to where I am
But you always chose the detours
Content to let me run
A journey made for two
A destination for only one.
Objects in the rear view mirror
Became so small I couldn’t see
There was only my reflection
Staring back at me.
I threw the map out the window
Pushed the pedal to the floor
Set myself on cruise control
I’m looking back no more.
RaenellDawn 02/06/2017
Sometimes, 2 am is silent, and I can not find my voice. We creep along the shadows barely daring a glance. For in those quiet recesses, lie the demons we were given.
3 am whispers…hush, do not disturb their fitful slumber. Stand still for a moment, let them ease back down. Even they, at times, are exhausted from torment.
4 am watches closely. Challenging your next step with a smirk. Knowing it can pull you in but letting you make the first move.
5 am is full of laughter. Taunts, there she goes again. Pretending she’s a warrior in a battle she won’t win.
6 am smiles gently. Offering up solace from her mind. A gentle kiss to her forehead, she made it through this time.
7 am pulls her from the fading dark. Inviting her to rest in its fenced in park.
RaenellDawn 12/24/2016
Empty Houses
You can’t open my doors
My windows are blacked out
I sit lonely on a street
Forgotten all about.
My floors are stripped bare
My walls are peeling
The rooms are empty
What a hollow feeling.
Everything’s been packed
And stored in the attic
Done in haste
Completely erratic.
Trunks of memories
Pictures galore
Little mementos
That matter no more.
Meaningless faces
Stare back to see
Whose holding the camera
Almost always me.
Caretakers abandoned
In the dead of night
Said I am haunted
After disconnecting the lights.
The hallowed ground
Where nobody treads
Now briars and brambles
The flowers are dead.
My thick foundation
Is on solid ground
It supports the beams
To which I am bound.
If you should see me
While out for a drive
You need only to knock
I might let you inside.
If you are trepid
And stay on the walk
Move along quickly
My walls won’t talk.
RaenellDawn 12/08/2016
2 a.m.
I love 2 a.m,
It’s the best part of the day
Pen and paper wait excitedly
To what I have to say.
My entire world is quite
Surrounded by the night
I can lower my guard
And let out some light.
I can sort it all out
When my mind finally slows
Pack away the thoughts
That nobody knows.
I can speak without fear
And have no remorse
At the raw, honest words
Through pen and paper of course.
I don’t have to edit
Or close caption a word
Letting lose emotions
That nobody heard.
There’s freedom in writing
It cleanses my soul
A redemption of sorts
In just letting go
Perhaps one day
Someone will find
These pages I keep
And can read my mind.
They’ll read my books
And finally understand
I’m only “me”
At 2 a.m
RaenellDawn 12/02/2016
My Shadow
I talk to her everyday. I pour out everything that’s been going through my head between the hours of waking and sleeping.
My words don’t require explanations, there are no rebuttals. She’s never said “that doesn’t make sense”, or “you shouldn’t feel like that”. I rely on her for validation.
She understands the darkness, the fear, the confusion, the humor, the love that I feel so deeply. I’m always safe with her. She has watched me give so much of myself away and then chastised me for doing so. She scolded me for dumb ideas, said “I told you so” a hundred times. She laughs at my fashion faux paux, reminds me to check the speedometer. She pushes me forward when I need it, holds me in place when I want to go. Lends a hand when I fall down, and holds both hands over my mouth when I want to speak without processing.
We don’t always see eye to eye. Sometimes we argue for days. But she’s there when I lay my head down and holding my coffee when I wake up.
Most will never know her, and that’s ok, she’s always right beside me leading the way.
The one that swore
“I’ll always have your back”
Always behind me
Is where my shadow is at.
RaenellDawn 11/27/2016
A Castle Grown Cold
I wear my heart on my sleeve
Under a winter coat
My emotions behind walls
Surrounded by a moat.
Pictures line the halls
Their history in the books
Though everyone is interested
Nobody really looks.
They see only dust
A castle grown cold
Spiderwebs in corners
Memories of the old.
I stand on a cliff
Overlooking the sea
Longing for a lighthouse
To shine it’s light on me.
Dark as midnight
The storm blows in
The water rises
Carried by the wind.
Alone I fight
On this vacant shore
Until one day
I can fight no more.
There will come a storm
Mightier than me
That will crumble these walls
And wash them out to sea.
RaenellDawn 11/23/2016
My Mom
November 15, 2015
I remember like it was yesterday…I was 13 years old. I got in an argument with my mama and stormed out of the house. All the way to our little city park, I ranted and raved inside my head. Continuing with the montage of words that had gone unsaid.
I have no recollection what precisely the argument was about, but I remember screaming “I hate you, I want my daddy”. I recall exactly where I was standing when I had the thought that all kids do at some point in their life…”I already know everything there is to know”.
I was 27 years old and a mother myself the first time I regretted that day.
All of the emotions that make up LIFE…Love, Laughter, Pain, Fear, Sorrow, Regret, Grief…each one teaches us a lesson. Sometimes, they are tests that we must repeat until we get it right.
I think it was this day that I learned to hold my words, because you can’t take them back. Saying “I’m sorry” is only a bandaid, the scar will always be there with the wounds resonating in your mind.
My mama taught this foolishly naive girl so very much that day, and the handprint I carried on my face for a month, drove those lessons home.
To this day, there are still times when I have continuing arguments within myself, and out of nowhere I will feel the sting of mamas hand across my face. Only then do I find clarity.
My mom only had an eighth grade education. She got married and had five babies at her feet by the time she was 23. She could ace Jeopardy and knew so much about the world and life that I am still in awe of her. She was the smartest woman I’ve ever known.
From my little brother….
Dear Abby: I think we should meet the Woman you described in your short story reminded me of my mother. That sting across your face would land a loving parent in jail in todays world.
Where have all the good mothers gone. I know God BLESS TEXAS!