As a parent, you can’t help but to live a little vicariously through your children. After all, you are responsible for them. Their accomplishments make you proud. Their wounds hurt you. But for a mom, it is so much more than “we gave birth” to them. There is an invisible umbilical cord that is never severed, though instead of providing life to the child, it sustains life for the mother. Take it away and we no longer possess the ability to function independently.
As our children grow up, every decision they make, people reflect onto the mother. Nobody, more so, than the mother herself. As the child pulls away, makes decisions on their own, the mother feels solely responsible. She questions every decision she ever made. Her nights are spent lying awake thinking “if I had only done that”, ” what did I do wrong”, “how did I fail”.
It’s almost impossible for the mother to come to terms with the inevitable fact that “children, as they grow, make their own choices in life”. They too must learn by their own experiences and mistakes. All we can do is stand there feeling helpless while wanting desperately to save them. Then along comes the lesson of tough love. I always thought this applied to the child. Instead, it is a final lesson for the mother. It’s the hardest test we’ve ever been faced with. There’s no study guide, no manual to look back on, we didn’t take notes to prepare ourselves for this and nobody told us that everything we taught our children would be a Final Exam that we had to receive a 100% on.
RaenellDawn 01/28/2016
Day: February 10, 2018
Used to be You
Some days are for writing
The story within
And one never knows
Where it will begin
You’re pushed from sleep
In the wee morning hour
Paper and pen
Have gained full power
As words fall down
Onto a blank page
Leaving a legacy
In what you must say.
You speak to the world
Those that will listen
Not all understand
Why your pages glisten.
Nobody ever saw
When your tears would fall
They remember your smile
But knew nothing at all
Of the torture your demons
Made you suffer each day
For if they had noticed
What would you say?
Would you grab their shoulders
Turning them to see
Your shattered pieces splayed out
While you whisper “that’s me”.
Gently picking each shard
Up off the floor
Then you have to explain
Why it doesn’t fit anymore.
They can’t comprehend
Because your skin is unmarred
That all of these fragments
Left behind deep scars.
Physical abuse
Is preferable you see
To the emotional damage
That does not bleed.
There’s no scabbing over
Or white scar left behind
And there’s so many pieces
Of you…you can’t find.
And then there are those
You stare at confused
Your mind in denial
…that used to be you.
Now they’re laying there
In a crumbled heap
And you’ve no idea
Which ones to keep.
Will they ever fit
Back into place
And the smile you force
Can never erase
The battles you’ve fought
And barely survived
All your prayers to God
Asking him why…
Then as the sun
Begins to rise
HE softly whispers
“You are my light”
“I had to take those pieces
Away from you so
Others that suffer
Knew the way to go”
“So write it all down
It’s just another book
Teach everyone
What it took.”
To climb up out of
Your Hell on Earth
Let your story be written
So they can read your words.
RaenellDawn 01/27/2018
Salute You
Here’s to those that said, they’d always be here,
But I woke to find them gone
And the words that came as promise’s
Vanished with the dawn
I raise my cup to salute you
An acknowledgment of sorts
Knowing they were never worthy
And I deserve so much more.
The wine tells me I’m a loner
Always meant to go as one
As my crystal reflection stares at me
Cast by the setting sun.
I hold my head high
For I stayed the course
Accepting true love
Doesn’t exist anymore
And the moon that bares witness
To every shattered dream
Hangs low in the morning
So paths can be seen
fear not the dark
The moments of despair
For when the sun rises
You’ll see your shadow there
Holding your hand
Pulling you through
no matter what
All you’ve got is you
So square your shoulders
Find your grit
Hear the beat of your drum
This is it
Your life laid before you
You will march on
And your shadow will dance
This is your song.
RaenellDawn 02/02/2018
Embrace the shifting
that your going through,
Open yourself up
To a brand new you
Spread your arms
Wide like wings
Lift your voice
And let it sing
Stomp your feet
Make some noise
Spin in circles
Find your joy
Ride your passion
On the wind
Marvel at the sand
Your toes sink in.
Raise your face
Up to the sun
Never forget
You’re complete as one.
Kick it up
Along the surf
Stand fierce and proud
And Own your turf.
RaenellDawn 02/03/2018
Only One
And those that thought they knew her
Remember the smile on her face
Her laughter in the air
They could never replace
The accidental counselor
Everyone talked to
Words of encouragement
Saying you’ll get through
They loved her kind heart
Her listening ear
They held on tight
With every tear.
Like a dry sponge
She absorbed their emotions
Knowing full well
They hadn’t the notion
That at the end of the day
Their torment was felt
Like it was her own
And on the ground she knelt
Pounding the floor
While screaming inside
Trying to release what
Was attempting to hide
Other people’s demons
Danced with her own
She must push them out
Before they make her their home.
So now she lays shattered
Exhaustion wins
This is what happens
When you let people in.
They take all of your good
Leaving behind their ghosts
Turning you into someone
That nobody knows
Because in the morning
With a new dawn
The heavy mask that is waiting
She’ll put back on.
Her shoulders squared
She would find a way
To be whomever
They needed today.
As the crowd sits in silence
The memories they’ll recall
From above she’ll be weeping
They didn’t know her at all.
It was a never ending battle
Inside of her head
With words fired on paper
And bleeding bright red.
Her good and her bad
Constantly at war
Until finally one
Couldn’t fight anymore.
Into the waves of the ocean
She let herself succumb
The tide pulling her down
She was now only one.
RaenellDawn 02/04/2018
Keep your distance
Don’t get too close
I’m just someone
You’ll never know
You might see layers
Every now and then
Though I speak my truths
I won’t let you in
I stay in my shelter
Guarded from pain
Though I might veer
I won’t leave my lane
On rare occasions
I might look out
Just to see if the world
Is still turning about.
Though I’ll stay right here
To my shell, I am bound
I have walked out there
But didn’t like what I found.
It’s toxic and repulsive
Morals are gone
There’s an ugliness to it
That I hide from.
Don’t ask for my secrets
You’ll receive half truths
Protecting my inner self
Is just what I do.
RaenellDawn 02/05/2018
So many fear Pandora’s box, opening a can of worms, and rocking the boat. These are the ones that are shallow. The ones that say “I’m an open book”, but in truth, the book is a locked diary. The ones that are about pretense and shy away from exposure. The ones that view honesty as admitting to what is already known facts, not secrets disclosed and loyalty is just “what they don’t know, can’t hurt them”.
The definition of honor is lost. It’s a defined line, not a blurred one.
Relationships of any kind, with anyone, require full disclosure and authenticity.
You must place more value and effort on strengthening and maintaining these relationships in order to achieve the highest form of bonding and intimacy.
Who really doesn’t crave or acknowledge the NEED to have absolute faith?
RaenellDawn 08/16/2017
Accountability
It’s infuriating to me, this new thing in our society.
“You decide your feelings and reaction to those that hurt you”
I call bullshit to this!
It’s proclaiming that what one feels is invalid. Placing the blame of hurt feeling on those wronged instead of those who wronged you. Since when have we become a society of unaccountability?
Each and everyone of us has hurt someone deeply. Either by words or actions. It is our responsibility to accept full ownership of those choices and endure the consequences.
Where has empathy gone? Just because we don’t want to hear or see how our actions have hurt someone, none of us get to simply decide that we didn’t hurt them.
We can not ask for forgiveness without sincerely bearing witness to what we have caused.
Will it be hard to endure? Absolutely! But not nearly as painful as it is to the one suffering.
Then we must be consciously aware, that although the apology, like a bandaid, covered the wound so that it could heal, when you rip away there will always be a scar.
RaenellDawn 08/17/2017
I speak from my heart
I write from my soul
I dig in deeper
Than most people can go.
Darkness surrounds me
Though my light might shine
Pen and paper keep rhythm
In perfect time.
Most of my stories
Will end up just words
Surrounded by people
Yet nobody heard.
On rare occasions
When they are seen
People often comment
“You could of been writing about me”.
I provoke awareness
I make people think
But at the end of the day
It’s just a lot of spilled ink.
Rawni
I was 17 and sitting at my Daddy’s feet. Pouring out a heart that was filled with teenage emotions.
He patted my head while holding my hand and said “I knew the day you were born, though it was raining, you were the storm. I watched as you grew, and life happened to you that storm of water would eventually becomes freezing rain.”
I asked him what he meant, and he replied with this.
“On the playground you always sought the kids playing alone. You befriended them. Made them laugh.
Kept them entertained. Then their friends would show up, off they would go, leaving you behind. You never approached them again. Eventually, you no longer wanted to go to the park. You were nine years old when you threw out your dollies and I couldn’t get your nose out of books.”