I spent a lifetime apologizing for being me.
Multidimensional isn’t all that fascinating for shallow people.
I bent over backwards to be a people pleaser. To always see the good and forgive.
The accidental counselor, the unlicensed therapist, the glue that holds it all together…I’ve been called those as much as I’ve been called the loner, the weird one, the odd one out.
Life knocked me down. Sometimes I stumbled on my own. I always got myself back up, so I could hold the light for others.
A few wrong turns…then a head on collision, broke me of all, that I used to be.
When you look at me, and you see the darkness that now envelopes me, I refuse to make excuses or apologize for it. I have seen others darkness too often. Lived with them in their private hell. My only sanctuary being…to retreat inside myself.
You see, even in the cacophony of madness, I still sought to protect others from what I knew lived inside of me. My demons are my soldiers, and they can annihilate with the truth. Obliterating ones reputation built on ego, and leaving their bloody character exposed on the field.
I learned at a young age, not all demons are monsters. Some are actually angels, meant for war. I sat alone with mine long enough to fully understand that only they could protect me, and I in turn, I protect them. They are a part of me.
I no longer leave my comfort zone just to create one for others. Nor do I want that in return.
If I tell you private things about my life, I don’t want pity or sympathy from you. I’m seeking a connection only. Be aware though, as much as I’ve disclosed to you…there’s so much more that you don’t know.
I exhausted myself for a lifetime. Always trying to be whomever others needed me to be. So much so, what I needed and wanted went to the wayside.
Understand this, when they say “a person can change a lot in one year”, truth is, a person can change a lot in a month, in a week, and sometimes overnight. A strong mind will eventually kick into survival mode. It will automatically shut out anything toxic or threatening to the peace that has become its stronghold.
My advice to anyone suffering through the darkness right now, open your eyes. See it for what it is, and what it’s trying to teach you.
If you continuously suffer from the same disappointments, it’s only because you haven’t learned your lesson yet. Own your part in it.
If you are holding onto grief? You must reach the stage of acceptance in order to move past the stage of anger.
The trauma of a narcissistic relationship?
GET OUT! You can’t solely blame them if you are choosing to stay.
Find comfort in knowing that, when you embrace the darkness, only then will you find the light.
