Emotional baggage

Was never meant for show and tell

Hold onto your secrets

Keep your truths to yourself

For no matter how

You try to explain the whole

There are only certain parts of you

Others really want to know.

Don’t open your suitcase

Something might fall out

They’ll perceive that one item

As if that’s all you’re about.

They’ll overlook the layers

Of all you’ve packed away

How carefully you’ve folded

What needed to remain safe.

Keep your suitcase locked

Keep it out of view

It’s already overflowing

Don’t add anything new.

Put it in your closet

Store it under your bed

All the unmentionables

You should never have said.

You must take it with

Wherever you go

Though what lies inside of it

Nobody needs to know.

Don’t pull out your diary

For others to read

They’ll skip too many pages

To ever truly see,

That every line written

Every word scratched out

Every horror you have suffered

Instilled in you the doubt

That anyone could look inside

And see more than your name

When you brush away the glitter

You see the damage still remains.

Keep it tethered to you

Safeguard it at all cost

It’s not meant for show & tell

You can’t recover what’s been lost.

I don’t need you to define me

I am not who you might think

If you should ever walk away 

In your absence, I won’t shrink.

I will not let you save me

Or accept a quick reprieve 

So you can throw it in my face

If I ever choose to leave.

I will not lean upon you

When I’m weak, worried or sore

I will stand on my own two feet

After all, that’s what they’re for.

I will not accept your shelter

To hold over my head

I have found that it is priceless 

Making my own bed.

I will not sit at your table

Or partake of what you serve

Just to tell me later

You offered more than I deserved.

I will not alter my comfort zone

Just to make you feel at ease

I offer you true company 

Though I won’t forsake my peace.

I will not forget the lessons 

When I broke and could not bend

I have learned to say NO

Without an “I’m sorry” on the end.

I spent a lifetime apologizing for being me.

Multidimensional isn’t all that fascinating for shallow people.

I bent over backwards to be a people pleaser. To always see the good and forgive.

The accidental counselor, the unlicensed therapist, the glue that holds it all together…I’ve been called those as much as I’ve been called the loner, the weird one, the odd one out.

Life knocked me down. Sometimes I stumbled on my own. I always got myself back up, so I could hold the light for others.

A few wrong turns…then a head on collision, broke me of all, that I used to be.

When you look at me, and you see the darkness that now envelopes me, I refuse to make excuses or apologize for it. I have seen others darkness too often. Lived with them in their private hell. My only sanctuary being…to retreat inside myself. 

You see, even in the cacophony of madness, I still sought to protect others from what I knew lived inside of me. My demons are my soldiers, and they can annihilate with the truth. Obliterating ones reputation built on ego, and leaving their bloody character exposed on the field.

I learned at a young age, not all demons are monsters. Some are actually angels, meant for war. I sat alone with mine long enough to fully understand that only they could protect me, and I in turn, I protect them. They are a part of me.

I no longer leave my comfort zone just to create one for others. Nor do I want that in return. 

If I tell you private things about my life, I don’t want pity or sympathy from you. I’m seeking a connection only. Be aware though, as much as I’ve disclosed to you…there’s so much more that you don’t know. 

I exhausted myself for a lifetime. Always trying to be whomever others needed me to be. So much so, what I needed and wanted went to the wayside.

Understand this, when they say “a person can change a lot in one year”, truth is, a person can change a lot in a month, in a week, and sometimes overnight. A strong mind will eventually kick into survival mode. It will automatically shut out anything toxic or threatening to the peace that has become its stronghold. 

My advice to anyone suffering through the darkness right now, open your eyes. See it for what it is, and what it’s trying to teach you. 

If you continuously suffer from the same disappointments, it’s only because you haven’t learned your lesson yet. Own your part in it. 

If you are holding onto grief? You must reach the stage of acceptance in order to move past the stage of anger.

The trauma of a narcissistic relationship?

GET OUT! You can’t solely blame them if you are choosing to stay.

Find comfort in knowing that, when you embrace the darkness, only then will you find the light. 

In order to write about it, you have to feel it.

Down to the marrow of your bones.

You have to touch it & taste it

While wandering through the unknown.

You must look at it

With open eyes

Through the subterfuge 

And beneath the disguise.

You let it completely cover you

The cloak of dark and light

Suspended in the daytime 

Running wildly at night.

The barrage of mixed emotions 

Confusion of fight or flight

As the pen assaults the paper

And feverishly you write.

The words come pouring out of you

Like lava when it flows

Bursting forth onto the pages

Charring the surface, don’t you know.

The ink spills out

Like blood on a field

There are no white flags 

Your sword won’t yield.

Paragraphs fill pages

They are the canons of war

Laying on this parchment 

Not inside you anymore.

Some of us writers

Don’t unravel a plot

It’s not until the pen is dry

That we know what we’ve got.

Pause a moment 

Look around, you’ll see

Writers always carry paper

And pens for company.

Do you remember who you were

Who you were before you broke

Before the bile of life, rose up in your throat

And you began to choke?

Before the mirrors became clouded

Your reflection just a blur

Mascara tears all over your face 

Do you remember who you were?

Before your eyes stared in disbelief 

And your heart stopped beating too

Before it was too painful 

Simply being you?

Do you remember how you smiled

Or hear your laughter on the breeze

Your balanced walk on railroad tracks

Before falling to your knees?

Do you remember that hope

You spread far and wide

Your passion for living 

Do you recall how it died?

Have you banished the ghosts 

From every room,

Or does opening a door

Still fill you with doom?

Have your demons found refuge 

Or do they still scream inside 

Like the skeletons you can’t bury

Do they eat you alive?

Does memory Lane 

Feel like Martinsville speedway 

Are you still holding onto

What you never had the chance to say?

When you sit at your table

Is anyone there?

Or have you found solace with

All the empty chairs?

Are you living life

Or surviving one more day

Hell bent on keeping 

Everyone at bay?

Do you hold tight to the comfort 

And are you truly at peace

In your life of solitude 

Are you finally at ease?

Do you still hold your breath

Are you still biting your tongue 

Or have you finally accepted

You are whole as ONE?

03/30/2019

Sometimes I wonder if I’m meant to be in a relationship.

Oh, I love the idea of love! Of two minds on the same page. Two hearts, that beat faster, when in each other’s presence.

The feeling of contentment when laying in each other’s arms…with bodies perfectly aligned that it’s impossible to decipher where one ends, and the other begins.

The late night conversations, sharing histories, fears, dreams and passions.

The concept of making eye contact over the rim of a raised coffee cup, and feeling completely at peace with life.

But I, I am at peace with myself. I am content being alone. I find safety in knowing my boundaries are unshakable. I find that stress leaves my body more quickly when crawling into bed alone and not fighting over the placement of pillows and the tug of war of blankets.

I am totally unguarded when surrounded by my own things, in my own space, doing whatever I want.

And morning coffee, I have found its best when sipped alone. The world is quiet. I can delve into my own thoughts, completely uninterrupted…and fantasize of love…and how it’s not meant for me.