Maybe for a weekend

I should just let go

Give myself a moment

To spiral out of control.

All those things we talked about

I still want to do

Only difference going forward

It just won’t be with you.

I can hop onto a train

Go somewhere I’m not known

I could walk into most any bar

And take a stranger home.

I could play it all

The fantasies I have

For just a weekend

Cater to my side of bad.

The good girl gone wild

When the daylight fades

Somewhere far away

Where they don’t know my name.

But unfortunately that

Will never come to be

Unless there’s a connection

It’s hands off you see

I wish I’d never told you

That I hadn’t let you see

All the different layers

That made me…me.

You’ve got no right  in knowing

Who I am at 2am

I want my secrets back now

I pray and say Amen.

I feel parts of me are lost

Puzzle pieces that can’t be found

You were putting me together

Then you turned me upside down.

Every time you said you loved me

I believed it more and more

I put all my faith in you

And you walked right out the door.

True love doesn’t do that

It watches your back

Stays the course through it all

Preventing attacks

Shame on you For opening me

Then not sticking around

Leaving me in this dismal place

I hope I’m never found.

You’re the worst of the worst

For doing this to me

Never again will I show

My vulnerability.

You were the one

That was going to prove me wrong

On lessons I had learned of love

Seems I was right all along.

You took the cowards way out

Made me adore you and then

When I trusted you with me

You dropped me in the end.

So everything you held against me

Look closely at them now

You did the exact same thing

Maybe now you’ll figure out

My hesitations were on love

They never were on you

You proved me right on everything

That I already knew.

True love is just a myth

Commitment only lasts

If you fit into their box

And come without a past.

People throw around “I love you’s”

Like they’re picked fresh from a tree

And yet they stop to wonder why

It’s seldom said by me.

They trade it like its a commodity

Use it up, then go get more

Doesn’t matter if it’s fresh or not

Or slightly bruised before.

I used to wait at that same tree

Only to give away what I had gathered

And others took it happily

My efforts never mattered

When the tree was finally barren

All of its fruits picked clean

I picked up what had fallen

And it was toxic to me.

The rancid taste of love

Was the bitterest of pie

So the words “I love you”

Seem to be the biggest lie.

For the pits will leave you choking

Swallowing your own blood

I’ve always been the glue that keeps it all together

The first one to make a call

And not talk about the weather

The one that gives in

To stop all the fighting

Pouring my heart out

With tears as I’m writing

All the things I didn’t say

It hurt biting my tongue

People don’t really listen

I learned when I was young.

My words are too real

Too raw with emotion

They bruise, cut and scar

Destroying the notion

All the times I was silent

Or Didn’t say a word

Your every action and nuance

Was profoundly heard.

All the times you said

“I’ve got your back”

My shadow is there

But where are you at?

The waters look calm

Yet nobody can see

The riptides and currents

That lie in the deep

They stay on the bank

Fish from the shore

But where the water is deepest

Is where they’ll find more

Cozy in their life jacket

They choose not to swim

For the river is wide

Just around the bend.

It flows steadily through

What lies beneath

Muddy waters protect

Secrets of the deep.

There are no divers

Looking to expose

The vast treasure

That’s buried below.

So when the storm comes

And the water rushes on

Don’t fear the flood

It’ll soon be gone

It will take what was briefly

Exposed to the light

And push it down stream

Completely out of sight.

Maybe down river

In the midst of its fury

Someone wont  fear the storm

And find the treasures that’s buried.

My intuition must have told me

I must have felt it in my bones

That you would give up so easily

Somehow, I must have known.

Though it doesn’t stop the heartache

Or disillusionment that I feel

I replay those last 10 minutes

Just to see if it is real.

I keep my phone on silent now

Because I just don’t give a damn

I know it’s only work

When it rings at 3 a.m.

I tell myself it doesn’t matter

You’re the one that walked away

I want to write you a letter

But I’ve no idea what I would say.

So I’ll do what’s customary

What’s typical you see

I’ll pour it onto parchment

Till I get you out of me.

I don’t want to hold this pen anymore

Yet I can’t seem to lay it down

Until I excavate the destruction

From my heart to which it’s bound.

I ask myself in hindsight

Knowing what I now know

If I had to do it differently

Would I still respond to your hello.

Since my pen is truthful

It can not seem to lie

I never would have answered you

Had I known you’d say goodbye.

I didn’t need to wake up

I didn’t need to believe

That God had really made someone

Especially for me.

I wish you’d left me sleeping

Said “hello” and moved along

For a moment I held everything

Now everything is gone.

My armor is so heavy

Yet I can not set it down

I have built my walls too high, you see

Others can not get around.

I know the pain, all too well

Of letting people in

Being this damned guarded

Is my gravest sin.

Loyalty and love

are simply not enough

When you’re required to offer everything

And you must give it upfront.

You can be all in

But that’s not enough

To extinguish the fears

You’ve been taught about love.

You’re lessons are there

Engraved on your soul

Though nobody sticks around

Long enough to know

All of the chapters

That make you…you

The underlined passages

And the blank spaces too.

They want to skip ahead

Read the ending of the book

While you’re still trying to explain

Everything it took

To muster up the courage

To try once again

To find happiness

And faith that never ends.

Only to leave you,

alone in the void

When echoes are whispering

And you become paranoid.

So it doesn’t really matter

For a guarded girl like me

To bare the weight of my own armor

Because I know it’s heavy.

So I’ll just stay here in my corner

I’m quite familiar with this place

I alone, am my own army

I alone, will keep me safe.

Never again will I join

Another on the field

Just to have them call a truce

Because it’s hard for me to yield.